A Little Speech, A Big Problem Oneshot
by i-luv-those-who-review
Summary: Let's see what happens when Iruka has to give Naruto 'the kunais and the shurikens' speech, s3x talk. Naruto's cluelessness and Iruka's shyness... what will happen? Contains humor. Hint of KakaIru and NaruHina. Has no relation to any of my other fanfics.


------------Flashback------------ : Flashback

------------Present------------ : Back from the Flashback in the present

------------'Amount of time passed'------------ : Time skip

------------'Location'------------ : Skip to that location

"blah" : Talking

_Blah_ : Thinking

Blah : Enphasis on speech or word

Blah, BlAh, BLAH : Growing enphasis on speech

... : Either unsurity in the voice or a short pause

Disclaimer : I don't own Naruto... that Kishimoto guy does!!! (I wish I do though... but then again... if I owned it... it wouldn't be by a Japanese person anymore, and then it wouldn't be as good!!!)

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**A Little Speech, A Big Problem**

As one of Konoha's favorite chuunins whiped his eyes trying to rid them of the grogginess the morning sun brought with it he thought, _What the hell did I get myself into?_ He was referring to the promise he made to Gondaime about Konoha's number one loudest ninja.

------------Flashback------------

"But Tsunade-sama! I know little to none about that topic!"

"Iruka... You're not one to yell at me... I get the seriousness you're putting off but he needs to be told and you are like a father to him."

"A... a father..."

"Hai. You are like a father to him and I think you need to be the one to tell him... Take that as a direct order from me and it is to be fulfilled by tomorrow sunset."

"Hai." He felt the sturnness in her voice, and truthfully, he did not want to anger her, possibly getting hit. He had gotten hit by her before, lets just say, she had to fix him herself.

------------Present------------

_Man... she is a scary woman..._ he thought watching that flash back, I mean, thinking back to yeterday. Iruka stood up out of bed, regretting it already, and walked over to his bathroom where he took his shower and did his daily morning routine. He finished his heigene part of his morning routine before going to his kitchen and grabbing a bowl, spoon, cereal, and milk. He set them down on the table and pulled the seat out all the time wondering how he was going to deliever Naruto the message. Iruka's parents, having been killed by the very thing inside of Naruto while Iruka was still young, did not recieve this speech and did not know how to deliver it. Iruka was pulled out of his thoughts when he realized he was full, looking at the bowl, he realized he was finished with eating already. _Oh... Okay... I've been so caught up in my thoughts, I didn't even notice I was eating... Kami Tsunade-sama, why'd you have to tell me to deliever 'the shurikens and the kunais' speech to him?!_ He sighed before putting the bowl in the sink and the milk in the fridge. He didn't bother with the cereal knowing he lived alone and no one would nage him about it. Well, at least not until his boyfriend, the scarecrow, got back from his mission. Even though the dolphin was the neater of the two, the scarecrow liked to tease his boyfriend slightly about it when he didn't follow his 'neat freak ways' as the scarecrow put it. On any other day the dolphin would have put the cereal away but today was different. He went to his room, only a few steps away and pulled a brown t-shirt out of the closet and slipped it on. Iruka grabbed his keys and locked the door before leaving his apartment he usually shared with one silver haired jounin, for Naruto's apartment. Iruka figured he would first take Naruto sparing for a while before saying anything about it. Sparing was more for himself to calm his nerves then for Naruto, even though Naruto didn't really need his nerves calmed. Iruka arrived at Naruto's apartment with ease and knocked on the door. The sun had been out for a while and Iruka's internal clock said it was about eleven. _He can't still be sleeping... could he?... Well... It is Naruto._ Iruka knocked once more harder then the first.

Still no answer.

An open window caught Iruka's eye. He went over to it and saw he was small enough to fit threw it. And seeing how he was like a father to Naruto, he climbed in figuring Naruto wouldn't mind or realize. Iruka looked around and saw he was in Naruto's living room. Since he had been in Naruto's apartment before, he found Naruto's bedroom door easily and opened it. Naruto sat up on his bed at the new chakra in the room and his door being opened so 'early'.

"Iruka-sensai? Why are you here so early?"

"It isn't early Naruto... Oh," Iruka blushed slightly, "You shouldn't leave your window open."

"YOU CLIMBED THREW MY WINDOW?!?!"

Iruka rubbed the back of his neck, _Why did he have to start using his brain now?..._ "You kind of weren't answering the door, so... I... uhh... got nervous something happened to you."

"Liar! Being with Kakashi-sensai has made your lying even worse!"

Iruka chuckled. Him being with Kakashi. At first Naruto was totally against it, hated it with every fiber of his being. Now Naruto said it as if it was almost nothing. "Come on... I'm taking you sparing."

"Sparing? With who?"

"Me."

"Really?! I get to spare with you?!" He jumped out of his bed only in his fox boxers.

_He has no extra body fat..._ Iruka thought looking at Naruto. _Kashi-kun doesn't either..._ Iruka got a small nosebleed thinking about his love's body, which he covered with a hand. "Naruto I'm going to use your bathroom," he said as he left not waiting for an answer that he wouldn't have recieved anyway. Naruto was pulling everything out of his closet being as excited as he was. Iruka returned to see Naruto dressed in his usual orange and black outfit a few minutes later.

"Come on! I want to start training!"

_And to think he probably wouldn't even be awake if I didn't come over._

------------Hour of Sparing------------

_He really has gotten alot better since his days at the academy... If he keeps this up, he'll be better then me._ Iruka thought as he jumped away from one of Naruto's clones before kicking it into a tree. They were both getting tired, Iruka from dodging and fighting the Kage Bunshins and Naruto from getting hit, not directly but threw the Kage Bunshins. "Okay Naruto, I think that is enough."

"But Iruka!!! I can still fight!"

"You might, but I can't."

"Hehe... so I'm better then you Iruka-sensai?"

"I didn't say that, I'm saying you just have more stamina and Chakra."

"No fair," Naruto said pouting and sitting down stubbornly. Iruka walked over to him and sat next to him, nervousness returning to him.

"Nar-Naruto... I um... well... I have... Tsunade-sama... uhh... Where do you think babies come from?"

"Huh?!"

"Where... Where do you t-think... babies c-come from?"

"Why are you asking me this? Don't you know? You are a sensai."

"Yes Naruto, I know but I'm seeing if you know."

"Okay... but I don't see how this will help with training... Don't they just show up in the stomach?"

_I thought he would have said the stork dropped them off... but still, I'm going to have alot of explaining... and some explaining for stuff I know nothing about..._ "Not exactly... Um..." Iruka being as shy as he was started to blush, "Well... uhh... When two people love each other alot they do some actions," Iruka was now deep red and Naruto clueless, "and sometimes during those actions the, um, the, the, well this one thing goes into the other thing and these two things are released and sometimes they connect and it makes the baby." Naruto was looking at Iruka with a confused look. Iruka replayed what he just said in his head. _Okay... Maybe I didn't explain it all that well._

"Iruka?" Naruto said after tilting his head more to one side which enhanced his look of confusion. "Are you okay?"

"Okay... Am I okay?... Yeah I'm okay..." Naruto stared at him dumbfoundedly.

"Iruka-sensai... Why are you telling me where babies come from?"

"Tsunade-sama wants me to tell you since you're getting older, cuter, you have a group of fangirls and everyone can see you're starting to like Hinata." Naruto blushed at the mention of Hinata from his father-like figure. Iruka's face starting to calm down and go back to it's rightful color.

"But what does that have to do with anything?! I'd rather train!... Wait! I have fangirls?!"

"And some fanboys. But it has everything to do with it," Iruka's face had fully turned back to it's normal color but started turning red again soon after, "Let me try it again... Okay, when two people love each other alot and are married they do this thing," he turned even redder. "I-it's called s-s-s-sex."

"Sex?" He tilted his head to show he was trying to think. "Nope. Never heard of it... How do people do this thing?" Naruto asked not worrying whether people overheard them or not, they were sitting in the middle of a training grounds so they didn't have to worry anyway.

"Um..." Iruka turned redder now then before, steadily turning redder by the second for about ten seconds. "Well... I'm not really sure... I've never really done it myself," he smiled shyly and rubbed the back of his neck. "I do know it is usually done on a bed... and usually no clothes and-"

"What involves no clothes?" Iruka jumped at the voice and turned around with a kunai in hand only to see his silver haired love.

He sat as he turned back towards Naruto and said, "Kashi-kun, I told you not to-" Iruka softly started to moan, not being able to control himself, as he felt the warmth from Kakashi's uncovered lips on his neck softly sucking on tender skin it held. Kakashi stopped and Iruka slightly grunted in disappointment.

"Can't help it... I'm a ninja," he said before whispering in Iruka's ear, "I won't disappoint you tonight." (No, this isn't containing a lemon...) Iruka turned the deepest shade of red, worse then Hinata's worst blush. Kakashi chuckled at his boyfriend's actions before asking, "What's going on?" in his usual tone. He sat down next to Iruka with his legs encircling him.

"Iruka's trying to tell me about sex!" Kakashi looked from Naruto to Iruka in a questioning manner.

"Tsunade-sama told me to..." Iruka answered before giving his boyfriend the liberty of asking. Kakashi nodded once in response.

"You're not doing too well, I'm guessing," Kakashi said to Iruka. It was Iruka's turn to nod in response. "Tsunade-sama told me to find you because she thought you were going to need help... I can see why... She just didn't say it was this subject, and if she did I probably wouldn't have come. Teaching Naruto about sex is the worst mission to get."

"HEY!!! THAT'S NOT FAIR!!! Can we just get this done?!?!... I rather go train."

Iruka blushed before continuing, "Uhh... us-usually you kind of well... have an urge to uhh..."

_If Iruka keeps this up, we'll be here all day... or what's left of it... but he's so cute while he stumbles threw his words!_

"-get closer to whoever it is."

"Iruka, you're confusing."

_This isn't working... All of that time I spent thinking about this and I still can't get it out... Then again... I don't really know all that much about it either... Kami I wish Kashi-kun would explain it to him..._

"He's saying that, before you have sex your penis is going to get hard and bigger and you are going to want to rip Hinata's pants off," Kakashi interveined seeing how his Iruka was blushing and he had put his head to his hands. After Kakashi said what he did, Iruka looked up at him.

"Oh... that makes more sense! Wait! Did you say rip Hinata's pants off?!?!"

"Did I? I can't quite remember... Anyway, this all happens because you are thinking perverted thoughts about Hinata."

"You just said 'Hinata' again!!!" Naruto yelled as Kakashi pulled the ponytail out of Iruka's hair and stroked his hands threw it.

"Oh... so I did..." Kakashi said haphazardly.

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Newer part (For those who read this before it was done) (I was able to over come the writer's block for the remaining of this... Kind of because I was forced to by my friend who practically yelled at me to get this done because she wanted it before I left on 4/23/07 for Disney. You can thank her for this because if she didn't threaten me I probably wouldn't have been able to over come the writer's block for this story!!!)

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"Is that all Kakashi-sensai?"

Kakashi was quiet for a few seconds, thinking, before saying, "Yeah I think so..." Iruka whispered in Kakashi's ear telling him something Naruto couldn't hear. "Right... almost forgot that. Naruto don't go pulling Hinata's pan-"

"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH HINATA!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO!!!"

"Right... That was the point I was getting to. Don't go pulling a pair of pants off of a certain konichi with the Byakugan because if you fulfill that urge... You'll be a father." Naruto looked confused again.

"Now you aren't making sense."

Kakashi looked at Iruka and whispered, "No wonder his grades were so bad in the academy. Doesn't he know anything?"

"Yeah... he knows stuff... just to get to that point he needs alot of explaining and everything slimply laid out for him," Iruka whispered back.

Naruto not quite able to hear Kakashi's and Iruka's small conversation asked, "ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HAVING SEX TONIGHT?!?!" Kakashi hit him on the head semi-Sakura style.

"Yeah... Would you like to hear about it?" Kakashi asked Naruto.

"No... I just want to go train for the remainder of the day..." Naruto childishly answered crossing his arms over his chest.

Kakashi started talking to Iruka once more, "Would telling him about a girl's um... cycle help?"

"Possibly," Iruka answered.

"WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT HAVING SEX AROUND ME!!!"

"Alright, you have this little thing inside of you that is called a sperm... she has this little thing inside her called an egg. The egg gets released once a month and the girl bleeds threw her vagina for a week. She has major mood swings and gets annoyed or happy or sad really easily. For short it's called PMSing and never, NeVeR, NEVER ask a girl if she's PMSing."

"Why?"

"She'll get even more annoyed... I don't know exactly... It's hard to understand the female mind and/or body... Back on subject, If your sperm is connected with her egg, it creates a baby. And it gets connected when you put your penis into her vagina and fulfill the urge and you then turn into a father... so you need to stay away from Hinata's pants."

"Oh... is that all?!?! I want to train!!!"

Iruka spoke up, "Naruto, don't go riping pants off... You're too young to have children..."

"Okay!!! Can I go train?!?!" Naruto whined.

Kakashi whispered to Iruka, "I don't see what Tsuande-sama is worried about... all he wants to do is train with no interest in girls..." He looked up from Iruka to see Naruto was gone. "He left... does he really want to train that badly?"

------------Some bush close enough to hear the conversation but not enough to be seen------------

A girl with dark hair and light lavender eyes watched onto the conversation between the jounin, chunin, and gennin with wide eyes. _I just decided... I WANT TO RIP NARUTO'S PANTS OFF AND HIM TO HAVE SEX WITH_ _ME!!!... Wait... when did I become the pervy type... I'm not the pervy type!!! I also don't want to have a baby!!!.. Well yet... but I definately want one with Naruto!!! It must be that talk... it must have done this to me!!!... Hold on... Naruto likes me?!?! He didn't argue with Kakashi-sensai when he was saying that stuff... just that he wasn't going to have sex with me because he didn't know how!!! Score!!! Naruto is all MINE!!!... Kakashi-sensai and Iruka-sensai are going to have sex... that's something I didn't need to know... AHHHHHHHHH!!! MENTAL PICTURES!!! MENTAL PICTURES!!! LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE!!! FORGET, FORGET, FORGET!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!_

"Hinata-chan? Why are you hiding here? Are you okay?"

_Oh my Kami... Naruto is asking me if I'm okay!!!_

"Did you hear what Kakashi-sensai and Iruka-sensai were saying?" She nodded. "So you heard them referring to you?" She nodded again. "Then I'll let you know that I'm not going to have sex with you!!! So you don't have to worry!!!" Naruto gave Hinata his own version of the nice guy pose.

_Aw man!!! That sucks!!! Wait... I'm being pervy again!!! It's probably because Iruka-sensai said that it happens when two people love each other and I love him._ They heard leaves russle and a small moan. Naruto and Hinata looked over to the jounin and chunin to see Kakashi on top of Iruka kissing him feircely in the middle of the training grounds.

"Want to get some ramen?" Naruto asked looking at Hinata who was still looking at the two on the ground in the training area with wide, surprised eyes. Naruto watched her for a little more waiting for an answer. Then he blurted out, "HINATA WANT TO GO TO MY HOUSE AND HAVE SEX?!?!"

"YES!!!" Naruto looked at her surprised.

"I wasn't seriously asking to have sex..."

Hinata turned deep red, "'Yes' was for ramen," she semi-lied.

"Oh... Okay." He wrapped his arm around Hinata's waist as she blushed ferousciously and he lead her to the ramen shop as Kakashi and Iruka somehow made it to Kakashi's bedroom.

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Alrighty... WHAT IS UP WITH HINATA?!?! (OMG I can totally see Kakashi sitting on the ground with Naruto and Iruka and explaining a period, I have no idea how but I can and it is so funny!!!) Anyway... I felt like doing a oneshot of Iruka giving 'the kunais and the shurikans' speech to Naruto. I thought it would be funny seeing Iruka, being the shy person he is, giving Naruto, the super clueless and needs much explaining to understand something, the sex talk and just seeing how they would react. Somehow I brought Kakashi into the story and yeah... I was kind of getting annoyed of Iruka being so shy and stuff but yeah...

(I never really understood why it was 'the birds and the bees', so I didn't use that and 'shurikens and kunais' don't make sense either but they're more like... ninja-ish then birds and bees because seriously... can you see a father ninja saying, "We need to have 'the birds and the bees' speech son." -- Yeah well I can't... // Sorry Kakashi is out of character... but seriously he's in a relationship... Can't get much more out of character then that... Plus it's a yaoi relationship... That is so out of character right there...)

Please leave me a review. Come on people!!! I love reviews!!! Who doesn't?!?! And I actually read them. No matter how many reviews I get I read them, so please... write a review!!!


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